Writer's Block

I have nothing to say
I have been writing and erasing what I've written.
This is evidence to how closely linked my writing is with my life.
There are things I do not want to write about today because they are too personal; plans and ambitions that I am not ready to open myself up to public opinion and scrutiny on.

I do have something to say.
I am beginning to realize how important my role is as a mother and a wife.
Right now these roles are at the forefront of my existence. There was a time when I was desperate to prove that I was more than just a... ;
more than just a mother, more than just a friend, more than just a wife.
I no longer feel that this is something I must prove.

It is impossible to be just a mother, for motherhood encompasses all of me. There is no Jennifer the writer that can exist seperately from Jennifer the mother or Jennifer the friend. This is a revelation.

My friend Jess says...

that if you want to make something big of your life you have to have big goals...

that if you want to suceed you have to focus on one thing you're good at, and not be distracted by all the other things you could be doing...

that I'm beautiful and talented...

that she loves her mom... (and I love my mom too!)

that we've got the best husbands in the world...

that she hates talking on the phone but she'll talk to me anyways....

that when she's back in Victoria she'll take lots of pictures of my cute baby...

(and if you want to know if her advice is worth listening to click here. You'll see just how lucky I am to have such a talented friend)

take an idea and make it into something real

Last month James and I were talking about the family movie night that we used to go to at the UVic Grad Centre. We used to sit at the back chatting with other parents while our kids sat cute and cross legged on the floor in front of the big screen tv.

I said "Wouldn't it be neat if we had a movie night like that here in our housing co-op?"
and then I met with our co-op social director and told her what I would like to do. She thought it was a great idea.

A week later the co-op newsletter came out, movie night advertised in bold on the front page. And that is how easy it is to take an idea and make it into something real. A suggestion. Words typed on a page. It becomes an event. People write it into their calendars. They show up. It all starts with a conversation "wouldn't it be fun to..." "wouldn't it be neat if we..."

If you were to ask me what I want to do with my life, that would be it. I want to be a person that takes ideas and turn them into something tangible. It's really not that hard to do.

I am being given a pep talk from a four month old baby

I was planning to fly to Toronto tomorrow on Jetsgo. Newspaper headlines all over the country advise of thousands of stranded passengers as the discount airline pulls the plug on operations. eli and I are both pretty sad. We were a bit scared of flying but we were alot looking forward to seeing our good friends in ontario.

right now eli is sitting beside me holding his stuffed puppy and telling me a story.

he's saying " iiii ooaaayyy aaaah ooohh: it's okay mommy we'll figure out a way for you to see your friend."

he's saying " oooooaayyy aahhh: your friend is sad"

and I say "yes eli, she is sad and so is mommy"

and he says " ooooeeaaa aahhhyy: do you want to hug my puppy? puppy will make you happy"

and I say "yes eli, puppy will make me happy. But I will still miss my friend"

and Eli gets a little sad and says "oooohhh oohhh oohhh: mommy, you promised you'd build me a snowpuppy"

and I say "I will build you a snow puppy sweetie, except we'll have to use our big imaginations and make it out of sand"

and he says "oohuuuaaaayyyy: and mommy, you and your friend can use your big imaginations to give eachother hugs."

Advice from my mother as I prepare to fly to Ontario

Be careful on the plane
Be careful with your baby
Don't talk to anybody
ok, maybe you can talk to doting little old ladies
but if you do have to talk to doting little old ladies
don't say "Can you hold my baby, I have to go to the bathroom"

Next month Jonathan is going to Vancouver with his Ukulele troupe. I can't go with him. I know exactly how she feels.

"You look so good" and other lies people tell you

For the past week I have had a burgeoning head cold. Yesterday it burgeoned. But regardless of how I was feeling, and in spite of the Giant Zit in the middle of my forehead I had to go out...

I had atleast a dozen conversations last night at Jonathan's grade five science fair, where people told me how good I looked. Now I am not looking for an outpouring of compliments and sympathy when I say that I know for an absolute fact that I did not look good last night. There have been times, and even recently, where I have looked fabulous; After a run when I look in the mirror at my cheeks all rosy with health, or the rare occassion when I'm all dressed up for an evening out. More often I am looking and feeling good on luxuriously lazy days spent comfortable in jeans and a tshirt, feeling invigorated by motherhood and friendship.

But last night I know with absolute certainty that I looked like crap. So why did all these people feel compelled to tell me how good I looked? Was it merely words to fill an otherwise uncomfortable silence, or did they really mean something else? I like to think that they are mostly referring to Elijah. Sporting a baby can be something akin to a new outfit. No matter how bad you feel, people don't really notice you. They notice the new baby tucked snugly into your arms like a prada purse. And I absolutely agree. Elijah looked fabulous last night.

Painting Lesson: Rule #1 DO NOT WATER PAINTED FLOWERS!

Being at home with Eli I have a bit too much time during the day to ruminate, cogitate, ponder, consider, contemplate, muse, reflect and mull over all aspects of my life...

This is not healthy.

In an effort to avoid expensive therapy I have decided to try my hand at painting. This evening I became increasingly agitated while trying to paint what should have been a tulip. I thought it was going to be a lot easier! By the time I was finished my frustration had not subsided. The therapy just wasn't working!

So I took my painting outside and watered it down with the garden hose. (Now that felt good!)

Later I realized that this painting was probably the best I could do. That it wasn't so bad after all. Okay, maybe it did look a bit like chickenscratch and Okay, maybe Jonathan did tell me that it would never fetch more than twenty bucks on the fine art market...

I started ruminating over the use of colour, I began to cogitate the potential of art to transform lives. I pondered how every great artist must get his/her start with a scratchy tulip like thing. I considered how this painting might have been the beginning of a series. I contemplated what I would do for a gift (for my friend who now will not receive a tulip painting). I mused over the subjectivity of art. I reflected on my own inner artist. I mused over possible future paintings and...

...and that is why you should not water painted flowers!