finding balance

Reading an issue of "Fit Pregnancy" that a friend gave me recently I was encouraged by a picture of a very relaxed looking mother with four young children looking relatively happy and clean. The quote above the picture says, "Slow down. When you rush, things fall apart. Lower your expectations of what you can do and how fast you can do it, and everyone will be happy."

I feel like my life has slown down to a halt. I am not taking any courses. As of last friday I am no longer working. I am not on any committees and haven't volunteered myself for any activities. I have slowed my life down considerably in preparation for this baby on the way and find the pace both exhilerating and frightening. For the first time in years I have the ability to create my own list of daily expectations. Yet without outside forces pushing me forward I find myself at a standstill. Part of this is simply being very huge and pregnant and not having much energy for anything but I am also afraid.

I am afraid that I will spend the next five years at a standstill. I am afraid that any attempt to accomplish more than a burp and a walk around the block will leave me feeling fatiqued and resentful. I want to epitomize the relaxed confidence I see in the woman pictured in my "Fit Pregnancy" magazine but I am afraid that I am not the kind of person who easily finds balance. I am either running full steam ahead with projects on the go and expectations to meet, or I am asleep on the couch with dirty dishes piling undone on the countertop.