Priorities? What are mine? I am seriously contemplating going back to work. I am hesitating on two levels.
One: My husband is away until mid-December. Though I have an awesome support network of friends and family to call on (ie: lean on) when necessary the reality is that I am parenting 3 boys, ages 1-13 on my own. Could I maintain my sense of humour and charming disposition if I add the demands of a new job to my busy schedule.
Two: There are some big transitions coming up in the near future. (ie: moving to a new and as yet unknown city) But the move might be a long way off. Do I hold off going back to work until our life is more settled or do I (gulp) admit that this is about as settled as it is going to get for a long while?
ok, there are more than two levels that I am hesitating on...
Three: I (gulp) have a long held ambition of pursuing a career as a freelance writer/journalist. To this end I am working steadily on my English Degree and hope to pursue a more specialized education (either as a journalist or a teacher) when our life is more settled... (italics added to emphasize the irony(?) of our life being settled. Is there really such a thing as settled? What does that mean anyways? I don't know if irony is the right word but I couldn't think of a better one.) If I go back to work I would not be working in this field as I have no experience or education to qualify me for it. Well, that is not completely true. I do have some experience but not enough to get me a job that pays for food, gas, tuition and daycare which is what I need. To earn an actual paycheque I would have to return to work that I know: clerical work and/or customer service and/or retail work... I could attempt an unqualified leap into the freelance writing arena but wonder if I have the stamina and ambition necessary to be self employed. As I said to a friend the other day, "it is great to imagine being your own boss when you are planning coffee breaks, etc. The hard part comes when you actually have to get assertive and make yourself get down to work."
Four: I have not forgotten that I am mother to an incredibly charming one year old boy. I know some people in my life might balk to think that I am not 100% satisfied with my role as a stay at home mother. I love the time I spend with my son. I just think I would love that time with my son more if I knew I was not sacrificing my own personal goals to stay at home with him. I am not looking to work an intensely full time job. I'm looking for a balance. Perhaps I will spend my mornings working part time and studying part-time and leave my late afternoons and evenings free to enjoy the energy and enthusiasm of my three incredibly talented and diverse sons. That is my ideal goal. I just have to figure out how to make it work.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Friday, October 14, 2005
By the Way... (Re: Deleted Comments)
if you see deleted comments on my blog entries it is likely spam. If I get a comment that is generic and looks like an attempt to get people to log onto their website and sell them stuff, I do not check the link to that website. I delete it immediately. If I get comments from fellow bloggers that are not generic I will read them and likely check the website link before deciding whether to delete or keep the comment.
Feel free to comment. But if you are trying to sell debt repayment or college girls, I am not interested and neither are my readers.
Feel free to comment. But if you are trying to sell debt repayment or college girls, I am not interested and neither are my readers.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I'm Prone To Happiness...
I have this quote, cut out of an article in last weekend's globe and mail stuck to my fridge. "I'm prone to happiness..."
I love that!
Prone: (adj. Middle English. from Latin pronus. from pro; forwards...) lying flat, prostrate, disposed or liable (especially to a bad action, condition etc... )
The meaning of the word prone is flipped in this quote to demonstrate where one could easily be prone to bitterness, failure, frustration, dissolusionment and is instead prone to happiness. According to the newspaper article this person has a joie de vivre that adds a great deal to the lives of those around her. To me, being prone to happiness means being prone to friendship. It means being charming, successful, confident, and engaging. That is the kind of person I'd like to be. (just perhaps with not quite so high a profile.)
You might ask what this photo has to do with my rambling about happiness. It has everything to do with being the kind of person that lets a dragonfly rest on her arm and the kind of person who stops to capture that moment. I've had a few people tell me recently that my happiness in the midst of the big upheavals our family has been faced with this past year, has been a big encouragement to them. It is only by staying in the present moment that I can remain joyful. When I look to what lies ahead for us I become fearful and agitated. I have accepted that I must live in this day. I have made a decision to be prone to happiness, not in a superficial-smile- anyway-kind-of-way, but out of a genuine thankfulness for all I have going for me.
...to hold onto the present and not rush headlong into the future. That is what being prone to happiness means to me.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Most People that Know Me Laugh A Lot
I can be humorous when I have a lot on my mind but it is not intentional. For example, I sometimes forget common words for objects. Today I asked my husband to pass me “that moon thing”, referring to the stuffed cow my one year old was playing with. I was thinking of the nursery rhyme where the cow jumps over the moon. Fortunately, my husband knows me well enough to know exactly what I was referring to. Another time I was visiting my aunt in Edmonton. I asked her where she got the beautiful candles on her dashboard. She looked at me quizzically and replied that the candles on her mantle were a gift from a friend. When I was a young wife living in a basement apartment fifteen years ago, I had an episode where my cat had brought a half dead bird into my apartment. I called my new mother-in-law in a panic. As the bird flapped, half dying, around my living room I screamed into the telephone, “there’s a crow in my house!” When she asked me how big the crow was, I answered “It would fit in the palm of my hand”. It is humorous to me that I, a person who loves language and literature with such passion, could find myself so often in situations where I can not remember the simplest word.
Eli-Something to Crow About.
We went to Saanich Fair this weekend as our last hurrah of summer. Matt and Jon got all day passes for the midway while James and I walked around with Eli, making him pose for goofy pictures like this one. There were fun picture boards all over the fair. I wish we'd been able to get pictures of more of them.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Why Toil?
Life is a learning process. What I am learning right now is to live in the moment and not to let fear of an unknown future stop me from enjoying today.
Knowing that our family will soon be moving to another city could stop me from enjoying the beautiful city that I am in right now.
Knowing that we will have to invite new friendships into our lives when we move could stop us from making plans with the friends we have (and adore! and don't want to ever say goodbye to!)
Knowing that it is unlikely that I will live in this home next summer could stop me from spending time in my garden in this season. It is hard to toil when you are afraid you won't be the one to enjoy the "harvest"
...and yet I am learning that the toiling is the harvest. It would be so easy in all areas of my life to say "Why toil?" and therefore miss out on the joys of today.
Knowing that our family will soon be moving to another city could stop me from enjoying the beautiful city that I am in right now.
Knowing that we will have to invite new friendships into our lives when we move could stop us from making plans with the friends we have (and adore! and don't want to ever say goodbye to!)
Knowing that it is unlikely that I will live in this home next summer could stop me from spending time in my garden in this season. It is hard to toil when you are afraid you won't be the one to enjoy the "harvest"
...and yet I am learning that the toiling is the harvest. It would be so easy in all areas of my life to say "Why toil?" and therefore miss out on the joys of today.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Hands in the Sand
and when I am gardening these hands are in the dirt.
and when I am doing dishes these hands are in the bubbles.
and when I am pulling out the vacuum these hands are picking up crumbs off the floor.
and when I am holding my beautiful baby these hands are running through my hair. These hands are poking me in the eye or ear or nose or mouth.
These hands are moving rapidly across the floor as Eli becomes a crawler and begins his exploration of the world so large around him. (and as I learn very quickly which things I need to move up and out of reach in a house that has grown used to dangling wires, collections of rocks and breakable dishes.)
and when I am doing dishes these hands are in the bubbles.
and when I am pulling out the vacuum these hands are picking up crumbs off the floor.
and when I am holding my beautiful baby these hands are running through my hair. These hands are poking me in the eye or ear or nose or mouth.
These hands are moving rapidly across the floor as Eli becomes a crawler and begins his exploration of the world so large around him. (and as I learn very quickly which things I need to move up and out of reach in a house that has grown used to dangling wires, collections of rocks and breakable dishes.)
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Ditty Wa Ditty
My brother is teaching my son to play a ditty. I watch from the couch where I sit nursing my youngest child. I am moved by the way Jonathan looks up to his uncle, hangs on his every word. I listen to them play together. I marvel at the intensity of this eleven year old child attempting to master a new song. I pray that this desire will intensify as he gets older, that he will create something unique and beautiful with his music, as I know he has the talent to do. I pray that he will continue to listen to his elders, to allow himself to be guided, even when he wants to go his own way. And that finally, he will go his own way even when others are intent on guiding him.
Pregnant Bellies
One of these pregnant bellies isn't pregnant anymore. Can you guess which one???
Congratulations to one of my dearest friends on the birth of her son. I am overcome, amazed, excited, filled with wonderment and can not wait to meet this little dark haired boy.
Congratulations to one of my dearest friends on the birth of her son. I am overcome, amazed, excited, filled with wonderment and can not wait to meet this little dark haired boy.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
It is one thing to say Fret Not...
Yesterday morning I sat at the kitchen table reading a page from my devotional book. As I attempted to shake the anxiety that I was feeling I read these words:
"It is one thing to say Fret not, but a very different thing to have such a disposition that you find yourself able not to fret..."
It was as if it was written especially for me; to remind me that my current state of mind is a 'disposition' and something I have ultimate control over.
The anxiety I feel as my husband searches out new work (very possibly in a new city...) and as I search out my place in the life we have created is acentuated when I allow myself to fret over the unknown details.
"It is one thing to say Fret not, but a very different thing to have such a disposition that you find yourself able not to fret..."
It was as if it was written especially for me; to remind me that my current state of mind is a 'disposition' and something I have ultimate control over.
The anxiety I feel as my husband searches out new work (very possibly in a new city...) and as I search out my place in the life we have created is acentuated when I allow myself to fret over the unknown details.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Morning Walk
life is like a morning walk. You just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
I shot this picture as I walked along Lazo road away from my Dad's house and towards the beach in the early morning hours. I had a lot on my mind and needed some time alone to think and pray before heading into my busy (but wonderfully busy...) day of breakfasting with friends, exploring a local riverbed and feasting together with four girlfriends and all of our mothers at an impromptu dinner party.
I shot this picture as I walked along Lazo road away from my Dad's house and towards the beach in the early morning hours. I had a lot on my mind and needed some time alone to think and pray before heading into my busy (but wonderfully busy...) day of breakfasting with friends, exploring a local riverbed and feasting together with four girlfriends and all of our mothers at an impromptu dinner party.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Just Incase I forgot mine at home!
My mom is the queen of organization. This is a picture of the contents of a drawer in her bathroom. Another drawer is filled with diapers. There is a deep drawer filled with spare rolls of toilet paper and there is always a stack of clean face cloths and hand towels beside the sink (in matching shades of grey and burnt orange...)
In contrast, my friends come to visit my home in search of basic neccessities.
Where do you keep your extra rolls of toilet paper? (Oh yeah, I need to buy some... Do you mind using this paper towel roll!)
Do you own any face cloths or hand towels? (Umm... yeah... just a sec... I think they are all in the dryer.)
Where do you keep your juice glasses? (mmm... we don't actually own juice glasses. Do you mind pouring your juice into this coffee mug.)
People often buy us housewares after coming to visit because they simply can not believe we can live without such neccessities.
We now are the proud owners of a new face cloth and a set of six glasses. But if you are planning to come for a visit you might want to bring some toilet paper.
In contrast, my friends come to visit my home in search of basic neccessities.
Where do you keep your extra rolls of toilet paper? (Oh yeah, I need to buy some... Do you mind using this paper towel roll!)
Do you own any face cloths or hand towels? (Umm... yeah... just a sec... I think they are all in the dryer.)
Where do you keep your juice glasses? (mmm... we don't actually own juice glasses. Do you mind pouring your juice into this coffee mug.)
People often buy us housewares after coming to visit because they simply can not believe we can live without such neccessities.
We now are the proud owners of a new face cloth and a set of six glasses. But if you are planning to come for a visit you might want to bring some toilet paper.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Isn't he cute???
It has been a few months since this photo was taken. I was at my favourite coffee shop for a long overdue visit with my friend Ann. I love going to this coffee shop with Eli because they make such a big deal about how cute he is. If I attempt a coffee run without him there are always dejected looking faces behind the counter. I do realize there are other cute babies in the world but it sure feels good to be told he's the cutest!
When Your Baby Pees on Your Boss it's Kind Of Hard to Look Like You're Under Control!
Yesterday, I took Eli into the bookstore where I worked before I went on maternity leave. I dressed him up in a cute little outfit. His hat matched his shirt which matched his pants. He was wearing his favourite pair of Robeez slippers and I had made sure to clean the snot and drool off his face.I like to think that I am a fairly organized, consistent person. I like to think that I've got things under control, and at the very least I like to appear that way to others!
When you become a parent "faking" control becomes that much more difficult. Yesterday, I took Eli into the bookstore and proudly passed him around from co-work to co-worker. Towards the end of my fairly lengthy visit, my boss was holding Eli. Because he was getting restless she was letting him pretend to walk (which means, thankfully, she was holding him away from her body). Suddenly, a very large puddle of pee appeared on the floor.
I said, "Oh my goodness, his diaper must have leaked." I took Eli from my boss and realized that this was not the case.
As my face turned a brighter shade of red I said, "Oh my goodness, I forgot to put a diaper on him!"
As I laid my seven month old son on the floor beneath a colleagues desk to give him a fresh diaper and to change his pants, my boss (looking professional in a silk blouse and slacks) exclaimed in a calm voice, "It's a good thing he didn't pee on me because I don't have a change of clothes!"
She was very nice about it, but I couldn't help feeling a bit like my fairly organized, consistent personna had once again been stripped away in an instant.
When you become a parent "faking" control becomes that much more difficult. Yesterday, I took Eli into the bookstore and proudly passed him around from co-work to co-worker. Towards the end of my fairly lengthy visit, my boss was holding Eli. Because he was getting restless she was letting him pretend to walk (which means, thankfully, she was holding him away from her body). Suddenly, a very large puddle of pee appeared on the floor.
I said, "Oh my goodness, his diaper must have leaked." I took Eli from my boss and realized that this was not the case.
As my face turned a brighter shade of red I said, "Oh my goodness, I forgot to put a diaper on him!"
As I laid my seven month old son on the floor beneath a colleagues desk to give him a fresh diaper and to change his pants, my boss (looking professional in a silk blouse and slacks) exclaimed in a calm voice, "It's a good thing he didn't pee on me because I don't have a change of clothes!"
She was very nice about it, but I couldn't help feeling a bit like my fairly organized, consistent personna had once again been stripped away in an instant.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
My Life As An Essay (and I need a bit more time...)
Have you ever had to write an important essay or work on a big project that you knew you could do really well, but that you also knew would be extremely difficult?
So you have this project and you spend a lot of time thinking about it, and an equal amount of time avoiding it because it involves some really hard mental work that you don't feel prepared for.
Finally it is the week before it is due and even though you have had four months to work on it you are just now sitting down to force yourself through it and to give it the serious thought that is required.
You read it over and over again as you drive to school, flipping pages at red lights (I don't really do that!!!) and when you finish it and feel satisfied you can change it no more, you hand it in the day after it was due (because you pleaded with your teacher to give you an extension because you had to work, because you had the flu, because your pet hamster was sick and you needed to nurse it...)
You wait anxiously for the paper to be marked, and you feel almost satisfied with the A- you receive. You determine within yourself that next time you have a project this big you will give it the time and energy it deserves ...and then you will really do well, and you will reach your full potential.
(My life feels a bit like this essay right now. Could you give me just one more extension? Thanks!)
So you have this project and you spend a lot of time thinking about it, and an equal amount of time avoiding it because it involves some really hard mental work that you don't feel prepared for.
Finally it is the week before it is due and even though you have had four months to work on it you are just now sitting down to force yourself through it and to give it the serious thought that is required.
You read it over and over again as you drive to school, flipping pages at red lights (I don't really do that!!!) and when you finish it and feel satisfied you can change it no more, you hand it in the day after it was due (because you pleaded with your teacher to give you an extension because you had to work, because you had the flu, because your pet hamster was sick and you needed to nurse it...)
You wait anxiously for the paper to be marked, and you feel almost satisfied with the A- you receive. You determine within yourself that next time you have a project this big you will give it the time and energy it deserves ...and then you will really do well, and you will reach your full potential.
(My life feels a bit like this essay right now. Could you give me just one more extension? Thanks!)
Monday, June 06, 2005
Aunt Gladys and Her Plunger are Coming For The Weekend...
I met a woman the other day who remembered an aunt from her childhood that would sometimes come to visit. This aunt was a tiny, little old lady and for the most part quite normal and conservative. What made her memorable to the woman I met was this...
The aunt (I'll call her Aunt Gladys because it fits the era she would have come from...) would bring a plunger with her whenever she went visiting family or friends for the weekend.
One person, upon hearing this story being told said; "I don't even want to imagine the experience that would have led your Aunt Gladys to bring her plunger on holidays with her..." (which of course made us all immediately imagine exactly the kind of experience that would lead Aunt Gladys to bring her plunger along!)
Another person said, "I really don't know how I would respond if Aunt Gladys showed up on my doorstep with her own personal plunger..."
Myself, being the marketing type and looking for a good business proposition thought, "mmm... I wonder if I could manufacture portable travel plungers? There could be a market for this!"
The aunt (I'll call her Aunt Gladys because it fits the era she would have come from...) would bring a plunger with her whenever she went visiting family or friends for the weekend.
One person, upon hearing this story being told said; "I don't even want to imagine the experience that would have led your Aunt Gladys to bring her plunger on holidays with her..." (which of course made us all immediately imagine exactly the kind of experience that would lead Aunt Gladys to bring her plunger along!)
Another person said, "I really don't know how I would respond if Aunt Gladys showed up on my doorstep with her own personal plunger..."
Myself, being the marketing type and looking for a good business proposition thought, "mmm... I wonder if I could manufacture portable travel plungers? There could be a market for this!"
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Maybe I should blog about it
but I don't feel like talking about it
and yet Eli is on a record breaking stretch of not needing sleep and so I, even though I do need sleep, am sitting here by my computer thinking about any number of stressful things...
like the fact that we need to make some big decisions fast... like, mmmm, where will we be living this time next month? ...and should we move to the big scary city or hold out for the bigger and scarier?
like the fact that I didn't respond when someone said something about someone and I thought something should be said and I didn't want to say it because I wondered if I was wrong.
like the fact that... (oh yeah, I can't say that...)
like the fact that Eli hasn't slept more than 20 minutes straight since 7 this morning. (Oh yeah, I already said that...)
like the fact that.... sssshhhhh! He is sleeping now. bye!
and yet Eli is on a record breaking stretch of not needing sleep and so I, even though I do need sleep, am sitting here by my computer thinking about any number of stressful things...
like the fact that we need to make some big decisions fast... like, mmmm, where will we be living this time next month? ...and should we move to the big scary city or hold out for the bigger and scarier?
like the fact that I didn't respond when someone said something about someone and I thought something should be said and I didn't want to say it because I wondered if I was wrong.
like the fact that... (oh yeah, I can't say that...)
like the fact that Eli hasn't slept more than 20 minutes straight since 7 this morning. (Oh yeah, I already said that...)
like the fact that.... sssshhhhh! He is sleeping now. bye!
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Hunger
I am hungry
even though I have just eaten
and my fridge is full and I have money in the bank
to buy more food.
and though I eat
I do not ever feel satisfied
and it embarrases me to admit this
but I have thrown out leftovers
just because I did not feel like eating
the same thing
two days in a row
even though I have just eaten
and my fridge is full and I have money in the bank
to buy more food.
and though I eat
I do not ever feel satisfied
and it embarrases me to admit this
but I have thrown out leftovers
just because I did not feel like eating
the same thing
two days in a row
Monday, May 09, 2005
Odd things on my To-Do List...
-Write an article about the socio-economic role of laundry in society.
-Knit dishclothes with the two rolls of funky wool I bought last Christmas
-Make a grandma maisie doll and a saltspring suzie doll (sorry to all the others who I dearly love but who I have not been inspired yet to make dolls for...)
-Send money to friends (sorry to all the others who we dearly love but who we have not been inspired to send money to...)
-Consider how I could use my life experience to be a mentor to young women. (Doesn't that sound like a cool ministry to be in???)
and of course...
-Taxi Matthew and Jonathan from baseball practice to Lacrosse to Music lessons and youth group and friend's houses, etc... etc... etc... fitting in volunteer work, lunches, coffees and short visits with friends whenever possible.
and...
-Remind myself every day that the verse (Ephesians 6:10) "Be Strong in the Lord and in His mighty power" does not say simply Be Strong (which I try to often on my own to be) but rather to be strong in the Lord. Big Difference!
-Knit dishclothes with the two rolls of funky wool I bought last Christmas
-Make a grandma maisie doll and a saltspring suzie doll (sorry to all the others who I dearly love but who I have not been inspired yet to make dolls for...)
-Send money to friends (sorry to all the others who we dearly love but who we have not been inspired to send money to...)
-Consider how I could use my life experience to be a mentor to young women. (Doesn't that sound like a cool ministry to be in???)
and of course...
-Taxi Matthew and Jonathan from baseball practice to Lacrosse to Music lessons and youth group and friend's houses, etc... etc... etc... fitting in volunteer work, lunches, coffees and short visits with friends whenever possible.
and...
-Remind myself every day that the verse (Ephesians 6:10) "Be Strong in the Lord and in His mighty power" does not say simply Be Strong (which I try to often on my own to be) but rather to be strong in the Lord. Big Difference!
Friday, May 06, 2005
Today I...
...walked to my favourite coffee shop with my husband
...read the Times Colonist, three pages of the book "Hello I'm Special" and one article in The Walrus.
...watched National Treasure at my co-op community centre. I feel like movie night is a big success even though this month we had four out of forty families participating instead of last months three. I can't figure out why our co-op has such a small turn out for organized events. I thought that part of the reason people joined housing co-ops was for the community, but I guess they are really just busy people looking for cheap housing!
...had tea with my friend Julie.
...watched Matthew's Lacrosse practice.
...thought more about how much I love living in this city and thought even more about what it would be like to live in a similar city that is only a ferry ride away.
...and I won a contest that I forgot I entered! I won a box of children's books from Cadboro Bay Books. Lucky Me!
...hoped that winning this box of children's books would inspire me to become the world famous, slightly neurotic but rich and well loved children's book writer that I have always wanted to be.
...read the Times Colonist, three pages of the book "Hello I'm Special" and one article in The Walrus.
...watched National Treasure at my co-op community centre. I feel like movie night is a big success even though this month we had four out of forty families participating instead of last months three. I can't figure out why our co-op has such a small turn out for organized events. I thought that part of the reason people joined housing co-ops was for the community, but I guess they are really just busy people looking for cheap housing!
...had tea with my friend Julie.
...watched Matthew's Lacrosse practice.
...thought more about how much I love living in this city and thought even more about what it would be like to live in a similar city that is only a ferry ride away.
...and I won a contest that I forgot I entered! I won a box of children's books from Cadboro Bay Books. Lucky Me!
...hoped that winning this box of children's books would inspire me to become the world famous, slightly neurotic but rich and well loved children's book writer that I have always wanted to be.
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